My hope was that the final draft of this rough draft on a family rule would be tighter than what it is.
I was going for more “prolegomenon” vibes than “rambling old man” vibes. I guess you win some and lose some.
Oh well, here it goes…
My dad had a few household rules that were renown among me and my siblings’ friends growing up. They went something like this…
Everything in moderation.
Save ten cents of every dollar.
The most dangerous thing at a party is a camera.
Never drink and drive.
Never lock the front door.
You can debate amongst yourselves about the virtue of these rules, but they were certainly pragmatic.
And no, Dad, the most dangerous thing at a party isn’t a camera… but boy, do I wish I saved 10 cents of every dollar.
Lately, Krista and I have been thinking about our own “family rule.”
Why?
Maybe because as I write this Krista is trying to potty train our toddler and it feels like absolute anarchy over here. Some order would be nice.
In all seriousness, much of it does have to do with the boys growing older. There are more decisions to be made and more demands being placed on our calendars from what schools they’ll attend and what activities we’re going to sign-up them up for in a given season to how we respond to Jack’s increasingly, uh, challenging questions…
The idea behind a family rule is that it provides the guiding principles for how our family organizes our life together. It’s practical in that it has helped us make decisions for our family from what school we’ll send Jack to next year to what activities he’s participating in. For instance, if we say ‘yes’ to Jack signing up for two sports this fall, what are we saying ‘no’ to as a family?
More importantly, however, it’s concerned with the formation of the family.
For most of my life, I thought of rules as prohibited actions. My guess is that’s how many of us think about rules. Rules act as sort of a boundary marker, often marking what is out-of-bounds. “Don’t do that…” or “Never do this…” etc. etc.
But as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to appreciate the way in which rules can provide a framework for how to live life rather than how not to live life. They’re still a sort of boundary marker; however, their primary function ought to be marking what is in-bounds rather than what is out. Thus, if it’s true that a rule is primarily concerned with how we live life, it then becomes one of the primary means by which we are formed.
Religious communities have long understood this. Common examples include the extensive Rule of St. Benedict or the much more concise Rule of St. Francis. Both were designed to provide those in their communities with guidance on how they ought to live so they could live harmoniously with each other while being formed in holiness. I have thoughts on both, but you’ll have to hit the footnotes for those.1
Modern sensibilities might find rules such as Benedict’s burdensome, drawing comparisons to Old Testament laws. But lest we remember that St. Paul tells us “the law was our guardian until Christ came” (Gal 3:24, ESV-CE). The law—regardless of what feelings reading Leviticus evokes—had an inherently pedagogical aspect to it. It was meant to be a sort of teacher and its primary purpose was to form the Israelites in holiness.
Indeed, as I’ve reflected on this topic I’ve found the book of Deuteronomy particularly helpful. For those unfamiliar, Deuteronomy chronicles Moses’ exhortation to a new generation of Israelites to follow God’s laws and commandments as they’re on the cusp of (finally) entering the Promised Land. Deuteronomy’s purpose is, at least in part, to hand on the faith to a new generation, and thus has important insights for catechesis and formation.
Deuteronomy and a Family Rule
Three things from Deuteronomy strike me that I think our relevant to this conversation:
Moses recounts the story of Israel up to his present time, interpreting it in light of what God has done for them as a nation (roughly chapters 1-4).
Moses emphasizes the importance of the Israelites instructing their children using these stories (c.f. 4:9, 6:7, 11:19).
And Moses not only recounts God’s statutes and commandments, but explains them in light of Israel’s present situation while anticipating their future needs.
This story of Israel’s history and subsequent references to it serve as both encouragement and warning to the Israelites. The refrain of this history—particularly the Lord bringing the Israelites out of Egypt—is echoed throughout the entire book of Deuteronomy.
Moses understands that God’s law is intricately woven within salvation history, and there is a very real sense that without understanding Israel’s history, Israel’s next generation would not understand God’s law.
Why can the Israelites trust God’s laws, statutes, and commandments?
Because the God of Israel has gone “before you in the way to seek you out a place to pitch your tents, in fire by night and in the cloud by day, to show you by what way you should go” (1:33). He has demonstrated His faithfulness through Israel’s history by delivering them from Pharaoh and Egypt (1:30), and sustaining them in the desert (1:31), and multiplying them from a family of seventy to a nation “as numerous as the stars of heaven” (1:10, 10:22).
For what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do such works and mighty acts as yours? (Dt. 3:24)
Likewise, when Israel has not trusted God, chaos has generally followed—and this is a point Moses equally emphasizes. He reminds this next generation that the reason Israel has been wandering in the desert for forty years is a failure to trust in the word of God despite His examples of faithfulness to Israel (1:33). Yes, they stand on the cusp of the Promised Land—but if they are not obedient to God’s statutes and commands, they will be “utterly destroyed” (4:26).
Thus, properly catechizing and forming one’s family is critical to the survival and flourishing of Israel. In Deuteronomy 6, Moses says (not for the first time, c.f. 4:9)…
20 “When your son asks you in time to come, ‘What is the meaning of the testimonies and the statutes and the rules that the Lord our God has commanded you?’ 21 then you shall say to your son, ‘We were Pharaoh’s slaves in Egypt. And the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. 22 And the Lord showed signs and wonders, great and grievous, against Egypt and against Pharaoh and all his household, before our eyes. 23 And he brought us out from there, that he might bring us in and give us the land that he swore to give to our fathers. 24 And the Lord commanded us to do all these statutes, to fear the Lord our God, for our good always, that he might preserve us alive, as we are this day. 25 And it will be righteousness for us, if we are careful to do all this commandment before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us.’ (Dt 6:21–25)
Moses provides a clear model for teaching the next generation and stories are integral to it. They provide tangible evidence of God’s faithfulness and Israel’s statutes as God’s chosen people.
The examples continue in chapter 7, but I’ll leave it here for now.
The last thing I’ll note is that Moses interprets God’s laws and statutes in light of Israel’s present situation while anticipating their future needs. Chapters 6 through 26 are essentially a more practical explanation of the Ten Commandments, which Moses recounts in chapter 5. The details might seem tedious and burdensome, but a less anachronistic look, I think, reveals that the law was truly there to lead Israel to flourishing.
You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. (Dt 11:18–19)
Three Questions for Organizing Our Family Rule
So with these things in mind we have been thinking about our family rule. It has largely been formulated along these three questions:
Question 1: What stories do we tell as a family?
Moses seemed to know that if you get the story wrong, you run the risk of getting just about everything else wrong, too. For instance, in the very beginning of Deuteronomy, we read that the Israelites murmured against the Lord saying, “Because the Lord hated us he has brought us out of the land of Egypt, to give us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us" (Dt. 1:27-28).
They got the story wrong and as a result, they died in the wilderness.
Yikes. You hear that, kids?
This has spurred us on to ask ourselves what stories we’re telling our family…
Are we sharing our testimonies as a family?
Are we interpreting the events in our lives in light of salvation history?
Are we sharing with each other the ways in which God is working in our lives and what he is teaching us?
When we share biblical stories, do we point to their relevance for today?
What books do we read our children? What movies and television shows do we let them watch? Never Daniel Tiger, never…2
I think in a world that has largely been reduced to the practical and material it feels awkward for many of us to offer a spiritual or non-material interpretation of the events in our lives. However, I’d argue that God primarily works through the mundane and the ordinariness of our lives. To only seek God in the extraordinary is to largely miss Him. The stories we teach our children (and ourselves), however, should demonstrate that God is acting in even the most mundane aspects of our lives so as to bring us closer to Him.
If you get the story wrong, there’s a good chance you’ll get everything else wrong, too.
There is, of course, a danger here, too. The story format we don’t want our children (or ourselves) learning is that if a bad thing happens, God is mad. Or if a good thing happens, God is happy, etc. etc. If that is the general gist of the story you’re telling, it likely neither good nor biblical. The more typical format we see in the Bible is God bringing good out of evil and redemption out of suffering (see Genesis 50:20).
Question 2: How do we spend our time?
This, perhaps, is the most practical question to ask. It seems to me like time should be the organizing element of a family rule for a number of reasons but first and foremost that what we spend our time on and with whom we spend it is incredibly formative (see Matthew 6:21).
We’ve tried to intentionally look at how we’re spending our time and what that is teaching our children about what we value.
It has been a convicting question at times.
As owners of online businesses, we fight the temptation to spend too much time on our phones. Krista often has to remind me that there’s no good reason I need the Gmail and Slack mobile apps (“You’re not a surgeon, Davey…”). And as work-from-home parents we also fight the temptation to blur family and work boundaries. I often have to remind Krista that her doing household chores with the kids is not exactly the same thing as spending quality time with them (as much as they sometimes like to help).
Some rules that we’ve come up with that help us organize our time and activities:
We prioritize the beginning and end of each day: We have very specific morning and evening routines that include prayer, quiet time, and—for Krista and I—connecting. Even on weekends, Krista and I will try to carve out 15-30 minutes before the boys wake up to connect—something that has really helped our weekends feel less chaotic. It’s important to us that our bedtime routine includes things that we do as a family like reading and praying together.
We prioritize opportunities to spend time together: If one of us has an opportunity to do something that takes away from time we normally spend together as a family, we’re very hesitant to commit to it. This doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re spending as much time together as we possibly can (more on that in a minute), but it does mean that we do our best to guard certain family time such as meals together.
We give each member of the family time to be alone: Krista and I have recently been experimenting with each getting 90-minutes one afternoon during the week to do…
… whatever it is that we want to do—kid-free.
This could be work or chores, but it could also be something like reading or working out.
The kids aren’t old enough to spend time alone, but we do believe they ought to learn to play on their own without having a screen in front of them. Our oldest is not particularly good at this, so we try to find 20-30 minute windows where they need to figure out how to entertain themselves.
Additionally, silence and solitude are important spiritual disciplines.
Each kid gets one-on-one time with each parent: After Bennett was born, we noticed that Krista spent a lot of time with him and I spent a lot of time with Jack. Part of that was practical—I couldn’t feed Bennett. But it’s also one of those things that just turns into a pattern after a while that no longer has any practical reason to it.
Somebody once told us that if we want to see something in our children when they’re adults, then we must teach it to them as children. Makes sense. Well, we each want a healthy individual relationship with each of our kids, so we’re trying to prioritize that now.
We try to learn something new everyday: This is something that I noticed helps me fend off burnout, but has been adopted as a family to hopefully cultivate some intellectual curiosity (and also helps with our next rule). Hopefully studiositas rather than curiositas… IYKYK.
We try to do something fun everyday: This has really helped us to be 100% focused on the kids during family time. Each day we try to do one fun thing together. It doesn’t have to be grand, and most of the time, it isn’t. In the summer, it usually means going to the pool. But the point is that it’s something we’re going to go and do together that the kids want to do.
Since we live a more rural life now, it’s easy to take the kids to do chores and call it spending time together. It is a good thing and they do mostly enjoy it—but it is different than spending time with them letting them be kids, doing kid stuff.
We do some sort of work or chores everyday (except on the Lord’s Day): This is largely aspirational. There are plenty of chores to do around the house and yard, but we don’t have a set chore-list for the kids yet (although Jack does things like feed the dog and collect the chicken eggs). I think there’s a good reason that manual labor is an aspect of many religious communities’ rules.
Something that we have been doing as a family each day (and has become a highlight) is taking an ice bath. I doubt our spiritual ancestors would allow me to throw my 5-minute ice bath in the same category as manual labor (I think I hear laughter somewhere in the distance) but it has nonetheless been a hard thing we do together. We, of course, don’t let our 22-month old participate, but our 5-year old loves to submerge himself for a minute and then jump into the shower. Maybe I’ll change the rule to be something more along the lines of, “We do something difficult everyday.”
Question 3: How do these things point towards Christ?
Moses is very clear in Deuteronomy about the connection between the commandments and God. The laws and statutes orient the people towards God, the highest Good. Likewise, we want to make sure our kids understand that our household rules are oriented towards Jesus because we want to see them flourish.
There are, of course, many connections to make and many ways to make the connection. One of the ways to effectively make the connection, I think, goes back to the stories that we tell as a family.
Beyond that, one practical way we hope to keep our rules oriented towards Jesus is through evaluating them in light of the evangelical counsels:
poverty
chastity
obedience
The evangelical counsels are practices meant to free us of whatever might hinder us from Christ. While not everyone is called to take a vow of voluntary poverty, perpetual chastity, and perfect obedience, all Christians are called to practice the evangelical counsels on some level.3
There are, of course, other ways rules could be oriented around Christ. For instance, the Beatitudes would perhaps make for a better organizing principle. I also like Henri Nouwen’s reflections on the temptations of Christ in his book In the Name of Jesus. He draws connections between the temptations of Christ and temptations that many leaders face, then discusses the corresponding practices that will develop virtues in a person so they are able to resist those temptations.
Regardless, a rule that does not flow out from Christ and return to Him is bound to result in something that looks arbitrary or legalistic.
So, where does that leave us?
Our family rule is largely a work in progress, and I assume it always will be. Although I secretly (or not so secretly, I guess) would prefer to have our rule summarized in a series of statements, these three questions have been incredibly helpful for organizing our family life together.
I hope you find them helpful, too.
I’ve gone from publishing about four times in a year to twice in about three weeks.
Progress.
My next few posts are planned so I hope to continue posting regularly. Every 10-days to 2-weeks seems like a healthy cadence for now.
While this is largely a fun personal project, I do hope that others find these interesting or thought-provoking. If you’ve enjoyed a post or found something interesting, please let me know by ‘liking,’ commenting, sharing with others, or sending me a message.
The encouragement makes a difference!
St. Francis’ rule was beautiful, but had to be revised after his death because it simply wasn’t practical enough for a religious community to organize their common life. St. Benedict’s rule, in my opinion, has had more staying power. Just my two-cents.
Alright, so I really don’t have anything against Daniel Tiger except that I think he’s kinda soft. Yeah, I said it. That and I just don’t like watching it, so we don’t let Jack or Bennett watch it. C.S. Lewis once wrote, “I am almost inclined to set it up as a canon that a children’s story which is enjoyed only by children is a bad children’s story” (On Three Ways of Writing for Children in On Stories, 49). See ya, Daniel Tiger (and so many other children’s shows).
Chastity is not only to be practiced (or developed) among the religious who take vows of chastity. There are instances even when married couples ought to practice chastity. Maybe more thoughts on this in another post? Let me know.