What should we do with children at church? (Part 2)
9 tips for staying together (happily... most of the time?) as a family during church
In my last post, I criticized childcare in church and children liturgies for preventing the proper formation of children. It seems only right that I should balance that post by offering some tips for how parents can keep children in church during worship without afterwards feeling like it was a disaster for all involved.
What I offer below is from experience, and please believe me when I say that some of those experiences have been… painful. The first time I tried sitting up front with Jack during Mass, for instance, was nothing short of a dumpster fire. It was a tip I picked up in a podcast produced by a few priests who suggested kids behave better up front because they’re able to see everything that’s going on during Mass.
Sounded reasonable.
During our first attempt sitting up front, Jack ripped a page from the hymnal and repeatedly crawled under the pews two or three rows back from where I was sitting. It was a game in which he found a lot of joy. For me, however, it led to a lot of sweating and embarrassment. By the end of Mass, I looked like I had just finished a 10-mile race. Would they ask me not to come back? Can they do that?
All that to say we don’t claim to be any sort of super-parents with a perfect child. Attending Mass with Jack hasn’t always been easy, and we’ve certainly had days where one or both of us missed the homily because we were attending to a rambunctious child. However, the easy days now far outnumber the hard days. And somewhere in there is the point, right? If we form our kids with bounce houses and “age-appropriate” activities while church happens for grown-ups in the other room, they ultimately learn that worship is entertainment, something to be consumed. Keeping our kids with us during worship might be challenging in the short run but it ultimately forms our children so they don’t come to see worship as something to be consumed, but rather something to participate in with the whole of the church.1
But I digress… If you are interested in trying to keep your children with you in church, here are a few tips that have worked for us and our high energy boy. Different tips have worked better at different ages—for instance, sitting up front has been a largely positive experience since Jack’s been 2 1/2. The time from crawling to being able to be reasoned with was—well, harder (approximately 10-12 months to 2 years old).
Bring less toys. We used to bring a bag of toys to Mass for Jack thinking that more toys would be more likely to keep him occupied. One day I had forgot our usual bag, and he ended up being better behaved and more engaged than usual. So, the next time we went to Mass I let him bring only one toy. Again, he was better behaved and more engaged. I mentioned this to a few friends once, and they concurred that in their experience, less is more when it comes to toys at Mass. While we don’t bring toys into Mass anymore, I know there are Mass-specific activities out there that are designed to help kids follow along.
Try a book instead. I bring a small missalette to Mass that has the readings, order of Mass, etc. Since Jack likes to do what I do, he wanted his own “church book.” We got him a children’s book of prayers, which he brings to Mass to “follow along.” While he can’t read yet, he still likes to have it open while at Mass. We only let him use this book during Mass, so it’s a Mass-specific “treat.” Besides a snack, this is the only thing we now bring for him into Mass.
Sit up front. Contrary to what the story above suggests, we’ve had a lot more luck sitting in the front versus the back. Jack’s able to see what’s happening, and we can point out different events during Mass, which helps keep his attention (more on that below). No judgement wherever you decide to sit (the back does make for a convenient exit if necessary)—but if you sit in the back thinking your kid will be less of a distraction, it probably isn’t true. When a kid is making noise in church, it doesn’t matter whether he’s in the front or back, people can hear it. We have a choir loft towards the back of the sanctuary where many of the families in our church sit, and I’d argue that noise made up there is louder than if they were in the pews below. Kids make noise—we should just own it!
Ask questions. We ask Jack questions about the Mass whenever his attention is fading. “Jack, what color is Father Stefan wearing today? Do you know why?” or “Jack, what is Deacon Paul doing?” It not only helps draw his attention back to Mass, but he’s learned a lot, too. Sitting up front also means he can see the altar servers, which also helps keep his attention as he’s always interested in what the older kids are doing.
Go often. As with most things, consistency is key. Something that has helped us is attending daily Mass with Jack once-a-week. We hit daily Mass and then I drop him off at school. There’s not as many people at daily Mass, so it makes for great practice (although, that’s not why we go). This might not be possible to do for most people due to various scheduling issues, but if it is, I highly recommend it.
Volunteer. After our second was born, we realized that it would be too much for Krista to get a newborn and Jack to Mass alone on mornings I was volunteering. So I started taking Jack with me (once he found out that he gets to help light the candles, he was in!). He’s surprisingly helpful, and he really likes to pass out the orders of Mass to people as they walk in. This has ended up being one of the joys of the last six months! It’s also made him that much more comfortable at church.
Remember that it should be joyful place. Church is a solemn place, but it also should be full of joy. At one point, I realized I was spending a lot of time disciplining Jack for every little noise he made. What message was I sending to him? Probably that Mass is all serious and no fun, which is not the message I wanted to send. What I eventually realized was that I am far more sensitive to the noise he makes in Mass than others are. And, as I mentioned in my last post, most people are encouraged by the sight of kids in church—even those that misbehave—and realize that kids act like kids.
Deliver swift justice when necessary—but then let it go. The flip side is that sometimes kids do need to be removed from the sanctuary. That’s okay, and while it might feel like a distraction, it’s something that almost any parent understands. So if you need to take your kid to the narthex, you shouldn’t feel ashamed by it. We’ve definitely had instances where we’ve had to take Jack out of Mass to discipline him for misbehaving and distracting others. These days, a good flick to the ear is usually enough to get his attention and convey that he has to stop doing whatever he’s doing.
Recognize other holy parts of the day or week. This might be saying prayers together upon waking, before sleep, or at meal times. There might be time during the day designated as “quiet time” that is meant for reflection or devotion. A designated daily “quiet-time” can be age-specific. It might only be 5-10 minutes for Jack who is 3. And sure, he might end up playing with his dinosaurs for half that time (on a good day), but it really does help when Sunday Mass rolls around.
These are the sorts of things that have worked for us with a high energy three year old, and I’m sure we’ll have to iterate on these as his baby brother Samuel gets older. There are a few families I see at church each Sunday who have more kids than us and all of them never seem to misbehave. If you’re one of those families, feel free to leave your secrets in the comments.
My hope for our own parish is that we’d see more and more families sit up front. I envision an atmosphere where when one walks into the sanctuary the first thing they see is a gaggle of children creating just the right amount of controlled chaos. Enough chaos to remind us both of our lack of control and our own youthful days where control didn’t matter so much and the anxieties of daily life didn’t feel so gripping. Wouldn’t that be a heavenly sight? After all, “for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”
Have a tip to add? Leave it in the comments below.
If you’re ready for me to stop writing about children in church, you’re in luck. I’m turning our attention to the sacramental nature of the early church in my next post. Chat with you in a few weeks!
This is not suggest that formation doesn’t include more than this—just that it should include worshipping as a family in church.